blog

back

super scary big bad tranny -- 04.07.2026

i aint exactly straight but i aint exactly gay. thats not what i mean, well it is what i mean. gender, its weird. i find it very weird and i find myself thinking about it a lot even though i feel like out of all the countless things that i talk about all the time its one of the things that i dont really bring up at all because i feel like its something thats more, taboo for some reason to a lot of people especially in the topic of super scary transgenders and all those nitty gritty details and how society likes to do its thing with that whole mash. but im not really focused on the outward position of how people treat gender but moreso accepting, at least for me: youre trans but you dont have to live in the cis binary still. its kind of hard to convey i feel like this feeling but its that you stop feeling the dread that you are trans.

i feel like a lot of the time for me once i get to a certain point in passing regularly to my peers in public that you almost have to continue to dennounce the fact that you are trans and feel a sort of massive shame in yourself (?) because obviously when i think of myself i dont imagine a cis body because i dont have a cis body but i often feel like im forcing myself to imagine that image on myself because i feel embarrassment in myself and in my own body even to no one but myself. how almost guilty i feel for just lowkey gaslighting or lying by omission to a lot of my friends about something that is a large part of my identity. im comfortable in my identity as in my gender expression and what my gender is but also to feel comfortable in being transgender in whatever that gender is. because i feel like the more that i think about that more that i realise im already past the poing of needing to conform to gender especially in my mind. cuz my gender can be whatever i want and that i will never be cis.

i used to feel really depressed and terrorfied by that sentence but now its just a fact that i know, i am not cis. it is incomprehensible for me to imagine myself as my assigned gender, i know my gender. so why was i still scared of not being cis? why was it dread that i was trans when i knew i was happier to what my gender was so; why am i scared of being trans?

all of this nonsensical rambling and words basically all leads up to that question. to be honest, i cant exactly directly answer that question as theres like a million answers and subquestions of what that could be. but for me at least, all of those reasons and answers can be combined into one blob of "what cis people think" im gonna skip a lot of words because im writing just off of vibes and grit because im tired but basically fuck that and fuck what they think. i dont like social outcastment and being ostrosized so i dont go out telling everyone that im trans but it the world that is my mind then why should i care i think i realised about whether im cis or not based on what people who will never understand why i present the way i do, so i dont care. even when youre trans and even when you pass while trans that you dont have to continue to be in the cis binary. the whole point right is that gender expression can be whatever you want so i can just do whatever i want and i accept my gender so the last thing i care about is how i look for all of your eyes to assume whats in my pants or what pronouns would be on a nametag.

and that i dont have to label myself as anything. hell maybe im not even trans, im just my gender and i just exist in my body and i dont have to feel validation in myself from a bunch of randos or even my family which takes harder to accept, but also thats just going to have to be to some point. if they call me a tranny or by something else then i think i just taught myself to not care if i already know what i am then whatever is said doesnt matter. maybe one day i can directly tell some of my friends, but also who cares. i mean, if i knew one of my friends were trans but they didnt wanna say it to my face, im not gonna say anything because it should be one of the last things i care about for someone unless they bring it up. continued theme: dont give any care to people that dont matter.

this is highkey just a nonsense and words smashed together, i dont proofread so whatever it is it is, but all of these non-blog blog posts are that and i just wanted to get these thoughts out because it was really gnawing on my mind forever so here it is. it is 3 a.m.

how punk made willing to live -- 03.07.2026

i feel like its kind of odd how much punk in itself not just in the music but the rest of the stuff that comes with it has really changed me i feel like as a person and like those million ways. i think that i was always educate as i engaged a lot in the heavy academic community in learning about different things and what not of the atrocites of our country but i never really had anything that i directly stood for. to put a little bit of context, again i am a very you have to push to keep going type of person and really for a while i never really felt any motivation to do anything in my life or to feel anything for any reason as i felt like this for a plethora of reasons and what not and the bone crippling social anxiety really wasnt helping as i had/still have literally no idea how to talk to talk and think about people

but it wasnt until, let me be clear did this not happen quickly this was a slow burn like two year process rectifying myself with this, but the more that i stood in the space after listening and consuming this music for the past years and seeing the world low-key/literally start burning down around me i realised this place fucking sucks and all of these people are ignorant to everything happening around in it and we just accept that ? the more that you actually know and that i consume of knowledge and you really step back and reflect on it, it sparks in you a feeling even when you feel nothing else in the world, because if theres anything in the world that will always exist, its anger and for once i was feeling passionate and newly revitalised in my feelings of rage

when i talked to my friends/would try to i feel like people dont like to realise that they are ignorant, hell i know im ignorant about a lot of things, and dont like to accept in their minds about how much fucked up shit there is that is engrained in all of us and our society and that is happening outwardly right now and no one likes to talk about for whatever reason. and white people, trying to talk to white people about experiences of racism and stuff of that topic is an interesting feat. now if felt like i had a community that also felt this large amount of anger that i felt and slowly learnt to compreheand and it fills that gap that most people have of the need for community.

i think that i was able to feel community moreso for once as part of what made me feel what i was in the dumps was that i didnt have/never had a community that was connected to me or i felt accepted in but just the overwhelming euphoria that you feel of kinship and link with random strangers at a show that dont care about any of your attributes but youre still two of the same, it was totally new for me and i think it helped me with being able to come to the conclusion that yeah im part of a community that stands for change in the world that i want to see that i want to live for.

now i realise its so stupid and nonsensical when people/i used to say that theres nothing to live for or that theres no point in life cuz thats total bollocks and bull like goddamn i wish i could tell myself to read an Al Jazeera article and pick up on the fucking signs of to be grateful for my life and if your life has no purpose then find one because there are millions out there instead of being sad on your ass go out and make a change and find reason for change is what id say to myself. but we cant change the past but i think that i can accept it now that you dont have to be anything you dont want to be and that i can finally find a place and a community that i can myself in, which is the one and only what is in the title of this blog entry is through punk and the culture of punk. punk has a basis and fundemental principles but i think besides that you can go fuck it all and anyone can be punk and i dont want to be angry anymore so let me fight now and have a reason to live because dude realise that you can make life what you want it.

its 4 a.m.

summer break: the first month -- 02.07.2026

summer has continued to bring its weird hard hitting effects of changing your personality for some reason, not leaving the house for days at a time, unbearable heat, and newfound inspiration and motivation. im not joking with the heat it is literally going to be 100 degrees here in nyc whenever i go out outside i have sweat dripping from my neck like a leaky tap and my face will literally soak a napkin if you wipe it.
besides that, i feel like its been pretty good compared to previous summers where i tend to go to my lowest for whatever reason or the other. this year feels more like a time for me to reflect on myself and my year and all the stuff that i did in it, as well as spend all of my already scarse money on things that i most definitely need.

i think during the summer i always just end up like, abandoning people, not entirely but i just isolate myself from everyone and usually when id do that i would feel this overwhelming feeling of dread and loneliness; now though, i think ive learned to just, not care. that if people dont talk to you/you dont talk to them then, who cares. i think this isnt the best mindset, but also i think its way better than the one that i had before. if someone does match your energy or vibe or doesnt want to respond to you, then fuck them i guess they can do whatever they want but you can always find ways to be happy by yourself. cuz a lot of the people that im close to or hang out with just dont make me feel good about myself or i dont feel like i can express some of the things that i want to express. cant a lad have some emotions ?

this kinda-sorta goes back to my bad habit of abandoning people whenever i feel just the sudden need that i dont like how a certain person precieves me i just disappear, sorry to all the people i did that to i guess. i think just focussing on myself is more so what this time and place going on is more what im feeling. if people dont match your vibe then why should i constantly be forcing myself to act and feel away that i dont actually want to ? so now i can just ride the wave of doing whatever the fuck i want, putting my phone on silent, and just messing around and having fun without having to think of other people

ive recently dont my yearly splurge at Printed Matter that i one day hope to have something published at (keyword: one day) whenever that may be and if i ever get an idea good enough for that. whenever i go into stores like that i just feel overwhelming just straight gutter to the jaw inspiration for art and creating stuff and activism. this site was partly created from the rush of art and creation to muse at. i actually didnt get too much though i said i was splurging, i was for me, it was only like $20 spent there. i got one zine and four postcards that i may or maynot put the pictures of here if i remember (!?) and pick up some volumes of The New York War Crimes and burgeoning happiness. totally worth twenty bucks because who needs to pay the phone bill anyways.

ive basically just been doing all of the free stuff that one can do in the nyc metro area during the summer, which is a lot, as i scout down the cheapest and then at the same time doing absolutely nothing and choosing to read and listen to music all day without the horror of the sun touching my retinas. speaking of so, heres the music review for the season. ive been listening to is this tomorrow? by chemical-x on repeat after i got the cd from them at a show for free ! the blokes in this band are sooo sweet and nice when i met them after their totally set that went absolutely crazy, go buy their shit and support them and listen to them theyre rad dudes. ive seen and listened to a lot of really good bands this summer its hard to put all of them but a few that id say go listen to right now are g.o.o.n., special forces 805, and the darts. all great superb, go rupture your eardrums itll be fun.

let the heat dimmer, im scared for fourth of july, and im ready for this summer to just be chill and to let myself decompress and draw a whole tonne(go look at my art page !) and continue to make things cuz why else not =]
thanks for reading my kind of boring first blog entry type thing, maybe theyll be more interesting later i dont really care i just like writing but have a good summer even if you arent a student and still have to work, still be chill and dont slowly decay working an oh such horrible thing as a job but youre defo less broke then me so have fun at it. everyone else,,lexzzgo igues