if you dont know the password,, go on and go back to where you came from !
huh,, you actually got in,,
unless you cheated, you should be ashamed of yourself for not respecting a lads privacy !
although i dont really care,
if you nevermind that and if youre here because you actually were able to get access to this page because you were somehow able to figure it out or if you are delightful enough that i would give you the code here then well,
to be honest you dont really get anything too special and this page is mostly for me, myself, to put down my thoughts that are too embarrassing to put on the main blog/journal thing
you get: unwell ramblings,, no typo fixes,, personal life stfffff of a teenager,, lowkey just words -_- so here you go,, scroll, and scroll, and scroll,
1
YOU PEOPLE NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PEOPLE R SO LAMeeeeeeee
okk so i dont mean like allllllll the people hta i talk to but like sum of them,,,,,this is private but like forrealsies i still dont like nameing namess right,,,but maybe im just crazy but i feel so fucking patronised whenever im around some people like what the fuck
and maybe its my situation or whatever but just like i dont know i feel so disconnected from the rest of my friends and like it makes sense because im younger,,known me for less time,,,whatever,,, but i just feel so singled out all the time even if ppl dont realise it but like go off i guesssss
i think maybe im just in a crazy mood like ive been in the past like days since the start of the summer
when i say stfu,,i dont mean that literally,,, i mean everything and nothing literally i mean it more so in the vibe you know but now that im alone and like lowkey just not talking to ANYONE at all and sitting in my little cavern by mysefl because ive just been kinda forcing myself to isolate from the world, (idk how good that it but i dont fucking care bro) and now that i feel like a lot of the time before i was having myself feel good just on the validation/socialisation of other people and depending on how much people talked and would seemingly care for me,,(ill probs put some of this stuff on the main) but now i realise like dame thats stupid and like just genuinely live for youself and like yeah care for other people obviously but also at the same time, dont care how much you giveafuck/they giveafuck about you/yourself because its all in your mind so like forrealsies if you wanna be happy, as they say lonliness is made in the mind, then just fucking be happy and dont give a fuck about appleasing others because i feel like for me to be happy based on other people being happy, i would have to constantly go out of my way to perform or buy stuff or be funny or give people things when really im a lazy ass bitch who sometimes just wants to be sappy as fuck and cry or be monotone and just do something extreamely mundane and just literally not say anything but really it was just like my mind making me do all of that shit then just not having to do that shit
like genuinely maybe some shit was wrong with me for a bit this year because if i felt like someone of my closer friends didnt like me then id go in to totall fucking overdrive and be like "ommggg what if they hate me :((" which leads to the spiral of "everyone hates me,,,why am i even living ??" and all the fucking time i was feeling so mid all the time and it would keep going from im going to fucking kill myself back to maybe everything is okay and you just have to get it over time which is really fucking annoying by the way to be clear especially i never felt like i could talk to anyone about my issues anyways so it would just pile up and pile up till im just so fucking tired i cant even get out of bed. that last part is still kinda true but thats something seperate,,like part of the reason is because im just such a little bitch to people that dont even realise it because for a lot of my life i never even had any friends becuase 1: autism which branched off into a lot of other things like my crippling social anxiety, being homeschooled and never having friends during developmental ages cuz this lad couldnt fucking talk and a plethora of other things like that so when i finally do get friends i feel so fucking weird about it because I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IM SUPPOSED TO DO and makes me the weird one i feel like when i look at everyone else and im like you guys are the fukcing weird ones,,,which led me to realising that 2 im a FUCKING PEOPLE PLEASER like genuinely what the fuck. i dont know if i outwardly show people pleaseing energy but in my mind i would care so much about other peoples opinions on me and how much people liked me but real it does not fucking matter if some kid in your teenage years cares about you how you care about them,,sure sometimes it hurts a little bit and like i said before,,im a sappy and emotional bitch okay, i dont liek to show it but i care a lot and a little to fucking much for anyones good when really the person the whole time who i should have been making happy was myself and not to doubt or push my emotions. this also i think goes back to how i like to/have a critical condition of abandoning people and friends because i just say i want to have a fresh plate, i cant deal with this anymore and i fucking dip out that bitch and lately ive been feeling that just slowwwwlyyy crawling up and down my spine whispering in my ear "fucking leave them all" and the people that im with now are good people, genuinely, im just, again, common theme, a fucked up emotional bitch, what else is new i kinda feel liek crying but its more so the little tingle in the veryyyy back of your eyes or brain or whatever i dont know the difference thats like youre really nottt going to cry but like if something pushed you over the edge there might be a little drip or drop come from your eye sockets i dont know who knows